i’ve built an altar of candles in my bathroom. in times of darkness, it is when we most need those rare candles to guide us. guide us to the toilet bowl.
a bulb in my apartment pathetically fizzled out and blew a fuse. as a result there is no light in the kitchen, or the toilet. we’ve remedied this with candles and don’t dare call the landlords, because our house is inescapably messy. and we have a deep rooted fear of landlords here in the czech republic after we were illegally evicted from our first apartment. the scars of this trauma still make us shit with candles and not only to disperse the smell.
perhaps we should call the landlords.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Divoká Šárka - Communist Pleasure Paradise
it was a sunny late summer day when i went to divoka sarka. which apparently means wild sarka, a mythic female warrior, who threw herself off the cliffs.
i felt like val kilmer on the set of top secret.
what made this impression on me was primarily the reservoir named dzban. it is a concrete pleasure peark. it has a man-made lake with a concrete beach (concrete blocks made into smaller pieces). metal bars along the concrete bridges and concrete boardwalks are rusting away. on the side of the conrete lake are concrete diving platforms which are protected by fences and rusting barbed wire and an array of prickly plants growing from the cracks in the concrete. all with the paint that had been bleached in the sun for 20 years.
we had a drink at a restaurant with a view on the abandoned lake accentuated through the brown barbed wire. nevertheless a festive mood hung in the atmosphere. i could easily imagine families staying around the lake. planning their entire summer when they would get to sit along the lake at divoka sarka and have their children play outdoors have their teenagers look for romance on the concrete shores...
the lake which attracted so much of my attention and imagination lay surrounded by hills and mountains. To add to the already pastoral landscape the goats and sheep roams the grassy hills, albeit surrounded by a portable electrical fence. which may dissapoint some who cannot get close to the sheep it proved a great source of entertainment to myself as i watched numerous dogs and people jump up as they got electrecuted. i would have warned them, but well... i don't speak czech so... i'm not so cruel to be entertained by others people's suffering.
the view from the top of the mountains is nice. its a romantic place for lovers who like rolling around the fields and picking flowers. and for those of you who like sheep... well watch out for the electric fence.
i felt like val kilmer on the set of top secret.
what made this impression on me was primarily the reservoir named dzban. it is a concrete pleasure peark. it has a man-made lake with a concrete beach (concrete blocks made into smaller pieces). metal bars along the concrete bridges and concrete boardwalks are rusting away. on the side of the conrete lake are concrete diving platforms which are protected by fences and rusting barbed wire and an array of prickly plants growing from the cracks in the concrete. all with the paint that had been bleached in the sun for 20 years.
we had a drink at a restaurant with a view on the abandoned lake accentuated through the brown barbed wire. nevertheless a festive mood hung in the atmosphere. i could easily imagine families staying around the lake. planning their entire summer when they would get to sit along the lake at divoka sarka and have their children play outdoors have their teenagers look for romance on the concrete shores...
the lake which attracted so much of my attention and imagination lay surrounded by hills and mountains. To add to the already pastoral landscape the goats and sheep roams the grassy hills, albeit surrounded by a portable electrical fence. which may dissapoint some who cannot get close to the sheep it proved a great source of entertainment to myself as i watched numerous dogs and people jump up as they got electrecuted. i would have warned them, but well... i don't speak czech so... i'm not so cruel to be entertained by others people's suffering.
the view from the top of the mountains is nice. its a romantic place for lovers who like rolling around the fields and picking flowers. and for those of you who like sheep... well watch out for the electric fence.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Firing of Don Pepperoni
The firing of Don Pepperoni, like the autumn that arrived in Prague just a few weeks previous, came fast and cold. Don Pepperoni was for a short time the only non-Czech/Slovak team lead in our office. This made him unique amongst his peers. He was also hired externally meaning he had no background at all in his new occupation. Perhaps El Presidente had unrealistic expectations of him when he was hired, he was asked to take over a team that had just lost a large chunk of its people, while at the same time having to learn everything that he had to learn in a short period of time.
Most of the people that didn't work under him tended to have a good opinion of Don Pepperoni. He was easy to talk to, had a good sense of humor, he even spoke Dutch well enough that you could have a conversation with him.
In any case, last Friday, El Presidente asked him to come to the meeting room. From my cubicle I could see them get in together. There have been rumors about his future, or lack thereof, with our company, and it looked like his time with us would end right there.
The meeting didn't last long, just several minutes later they came out of the meeting room, and Don Pepperoni started cleaning out his desk. He was still in the probation period, so he had to leave immediately.
There's several theories floating around in the office about his dismissal. Some say it was because of the bad relationshps he had with the people in his team, they didn't like him, apparently, because he made them work harder. Others say it was because he and Mother Goose couldn't get along. Whatever the reason, Don Pepperoni has gone, and I wish him the best.
Most of the people that didn't work under him tended to have a good opinion of Don Pepperoni. He was easy to talk to, had a good sense of humor, he even spoke Dutch well enough that you could have a conversation with him.
In any case, last Friday, El Presidente asked him to come to the meeting room. From my cubicle I could see them get in together. There have been rumors about his future, or lack thereof, with our company, and it looked like his time with us would end right there.
The meeting didn't last long, just several minutes later they came out of the meeting room, and Don Pepperoni started cleaning out his desk. He was still in the probation period, so he had to leave immediately.
There's several theories floating around in the office about his dismissal. Some say it was because of the bad relationshps he had with the people in his team, they didn't like him, apparently, because he made them work harder. Others say it was because he and Mother Goose couldn't get along. Whatever the reason, Don Pepperoni has gone, and I wish him the best.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
google it
i'd like to give a shout out to all the outsourced employees. and i've dedicated this song to you and to all the people that ask me questions all the time. whether they think i'm a genius or just rely that my know-it-all attitude will eventually lead me to find them an answer is up for debate.
so here's a song i dedicate to all of you,
if you don't know the answer,
don't ask me
just f***ing google it,
i am busy.
if you need to know a word,
don't ask me,
just f***ing google it,
use a dictionary.
if you want to know something,
just look it up,
just f***ing google it,
and then shut up.
you know i'm not a genius,
you're not a drone,
just f***ing google it,
leave me alone.
if you've got a question,
shift your paradigm,
just f***ing google it,
don't waste my time.
addresses, numbers, procedures and names,
that's without mentioning the fun and the games,
all your silly questions that are making me sick,
you can get an answer with only one click.
this message has been editted to so that it can be read on airplanes.
so here's a song i dedicate to all of you,
if you don't know the answer,
don't ask me
just f***ing google it,
i am busy.
if you need to know a word,
don't ask me,
just f***ing google it,
use a dictionary.
if you want to know something,
just look it up,
just f***ing google it,
and then shut up.
you know i'm not a genius,
you're not a drone,
just f***ing google it,
leave me alone.
if you've got a question,
shift your paradigm,
just f***ing google it,
don't waste my time.
addresses, numbers, procedures and names,
that's without mentioning the fun and the games,
all your silly questions that are making me sick,
you can get an answer with only one click.
this message has been editted to so that it can be read on airplanes.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
My Blog
You guys aren't really productive, I might need to outsource to other writers.
I gave you guys the privilege and the opportunity to write on my blog, it could have been the short cut to fame you guys were looking for. The times you had the decency to write, you guys decided to complain about your jobs and outsourcing in general.
No positive messages at all, you guys will need to clean up your act and write something descent and be more productive, or I will cut your wages.
I gave you guys the privilege and the opportunity to write on my blog, it could have been the short cut to fame you guys were looking for. The times you had the decency to write, you guys decided to complain about your jobs and outsourcing in general.
No positive messages at all, you guys will need to clean up your act and write something descent and be more productive, or I will cut your wages.
Friday, September 12, 2008
FTL (Faster than Light) Travel Possible
PRAGUE - 13 September 2008 - Physisists is Prague have finally discovered something that can travel faster than the speed of light. This scientific breakthrough was made at the offices of an outsourcing company.
Before today it was generally accepted that it was impossible for any information or matter to travel faster than the speed of light because it would travel backwards in time relative to some observers. Nevertheless there have always been theoretical possibilities, such as group velocity and phase velocity, quantum mechanics and tachyons, which were never explored successfully in practice. Physisists all over the world were astounded at the discover that gossip traveled faster than light.
Numerous trials in the office provide the researchers with the proof that gossip consistently travelled at a speed that was faster than light. Of course gossip is still bound by the rules of physics and in some cases actually travels backwards in time relative to some observers. In many case people new the gossip before it actually became gossip.
The most recent example of FTL travel of gossip pertained to an off-handed jocular comment between co-workers. Before long someone was changed into a lesbian and the news was all over the office. Despite studying the phenomenon for many years scientist were shocked by the FTL dispersal of information over an extremely large portion of the population. Unfortunately, the accuracy of the information transmitted is greatly corrupted. When asked about the nature of the corruption, the head-researcher explained, "Of course there are a few bumps in the road that need to be smoothed out, but the prospect of being able to transmit information faster than the speed of light is very exciting. Think of all the practical uses, long range space communications, satellites further from Earth to prevent debris accumulation. Really, the possibilities are endless."
Not every voice is equally as enthusiastic as the head-scientist. The Lesbian was more sceptical about gossip as the next step, "I'm not a lesbian! It is far too dangerous to harness gossip as a potential means for faster than light travel. Sure, it is fast, but unstable, people could get hurt by gossip."
Either way, the discovery has incited NASA and ESA to invest heavily in a research grant to further the study. So next time you tell someone the skinny on who is going out with who and they say, "I already knew that," you have been a witness to faster than light travel and the unbreakable laws of physics.
Before today it was generally accepted that it was impossible for any information or matter to travel faster than the speed of light because it would travel backwards in time relative to some observers. Nevertheless there have always been theoretical possibilities, such as group velocity and phase velocity, quantum mechanics and tachyons, which were never explored successfully in practice. Physisists all over the world were astounded at the discover that gossip traveled faster than light.
Numerous trials in the office provide the researchers with the proof that gossip consistently travelled at a speed that was faster than light. Of course gossip is still bound by the rules of physics and in some cases actually travels backwards in time relative to some observers. In many case people new the gossip before it actually became gossip.
The most recent example of FTL travel of gossip pertained to an off-handed jocular comment between co-workers. Before long someone was changed into a lesbian and the news was all over the office. Despite studying the phenomenon for many years scientist were shocked by the FTL dispersal of information over an extremely large portion of the population. Unfortunately, the accuracy of the information transmitted is greatly corrupted. When asked about the nature of the corruption, the head-researcher explained, "Of course there are a few bumps in the road that need to be smoothed out, but the prospect of being able to transmit information faster than the speed of light is very exciting. Think of all the practical uses, long range space communications, satellites further from Earth to prevent debris accumulation. Really, the possibilities are endless."
Not every voice is equally as enthusiastic as the head-scientist. The Lesbian was more sceptical about gossip as the next step, "I'm not a lesbian! It is far too dangerous to harness gossip as a potential means for faster than light travel. Sure, it is fast, but unstable, people could get hurt by gossip."
Either way, the discovery has incited NASA and ESA to invest heavily in a research grant to further the study. So next time you tell someone the skinny on who is going out with who and they say, "I already knew that," you have been a witness to faster than light travel and the unbreakable laws of physics.
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