Saturday, August 9, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Eef no one volunteers...I VILL SHOOSE VOLUNTEERS!!
With a cold, steely gaze El Presidente looked around the meeting room, carefully obeserving his workers one by one. It was Wednesday morning and the weekly breakfast meeting had just commenced. Having just returned from vacation in Croatia (some say it was actually a management course in Pyongyang sponsored by the North Korean government,) he was eager to re-assert his control in the office. No doubt, he thought, things were in disarray while he was gone, and all his underlings were running amok, it was time to show them all who's boss.
There was a palbable fearful atmosphere in the room, pale faces were looking frightfully at El Presidente's hard glare. Their short lived freedom had ended, and things would soon go back to normal. They feared the things that he'd say, bad news was on the horizon.
At last, El Presidente began to bellow across the room. He knew that by speaking in a loud voice, he would make his workers respect him. DEAR EMPLOYEES (he began, in his trademark thick Czech accent.) VE HAVE MODIFIED COMPUTER SYSTEMS. VE MUST TEST THESE SYSTEMS, BUT ONLY TIME VILL BE WEEKEND. MEANINGK THAT VE MUST HAVE THE VOLUNTEERS FOR THESE TESTINGS. VE REQUIRE 5...HOWEVER, IF NO ONE VOLUNTEERS...I MUST CHOOSE VOLUNTEERS!!
Having finished his announcement, he flashed a self-satisfied grin and nodded his head contemplatively. There was a stunned silence. Surely, he can't force anyone to work over the weekend? But then again, this is El Presidente, who's mood can change from compassionate...to vengeful and cruel in a matter of seconds. No one would dare refuse dear leader.
Next, to show his insolent subjects that he's tough but fair, he opened the suggestion box. NOW I VILL READ SUGGESTION BOX! Beginning with the first suggestion, which requested that employees that don't take sick days should be given a bonus. LEESTEN DEAR WORKERS, he bellowed after reading the first suggestion, IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOUR PAY, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK ON OTHER JOB! He took out the second suggestion out of the box, he started to laugh and shake his head. ALLRIGHT, THESE ONE NOT VERY VALID, BUT THIS IS SUGGESTION BOX SO I READ SUGGESTION! THESE PERSON WANT TO HAVE ACCESS TO PSYCHOLOGIST BECAUSE OF STRESS RELATED TO JOB! IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE STRESS PERHAPS YOU SHOULD BECOME LIKE PERSON THAT DELIVERS THE NEWSPAPER OR SOMETING...I MAKE JOKE! Everyone laughed nervously.
At last it was time for the final suggestion. Dear leader, it said. Your mercy and compassion knows no limits. How do you tolerate those who go against you, and are disloyal to our great company. He smiled, and spoke in softer tones. "Vell, dear workers, because I see myself as your father, and you as my dear cheeldren. Sometime you go against me, and you must be punished, BUT ALVAYS REMEMBER I CARE FOR YOU. If you show loyalty to me and this company you vill be revarded. HOWEVER, he yelled wagging his finger, IF YOU BETRAY ME AND THIS COMPANY...YOU VILL PAY DEARLY!"
Having clearly made his point, he told everyone to go back to their cubicles. Mission accomplished, he thought to himself.
There was a palbable fearful atmosphere in the room, pale faces were looking frightfully at El Presidente's hard glare. Their short lived freedom had ended, and things would soon go back to normal. They feared the things that he'd say, bad news was on the horizon.
At last, El Presidente began to bellow across the room. He knew that by speaking in a loud voice, he would make his workers respect him. DEAR EMPLOYEES (he began, in his trademark thick Czech accent.) VE HAVE MODIFIED COMPUTER SYSTEMS. VE MUST TEST THESE SYSTEMS, BUT ONLY TIME VILL BE WEEKEND. MEANINGK THAT VE MUST HAVE THE VOLUNTEERS FOR THESE TESTINGS. VE REQUIRE 5...HOWEVER, IF NO ONE VOLUNTEERS...I MUST CHOOSE VOLUNTEERS!!
Having finished his announcement, he flashed a self-satisfied grin and nodded his head contemplatively. There was a stunned silence. Surely, he can't force anyone to work over the weekend? But then again, this is El Presidente, who's mood can change from compassionate...to vengeful and cruel in a matter of seconds. No one would dare refuse dear leader.
Next, to show his insolent subjects that he's tough but fair, he opened the suggestion box. NOW I VILL READ SUGGESTION BOX! Beginning with the first suggestion, which requested that employees that don't take sick days should be given a bonus. LEESTEN DEAR WORKERS, he bellowed after reading the first suggestion, IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOUR PAY, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK ON OTHER JOB! He took out the second suggestion out of the box, he started to laugh and shake his head. ALLRIGHT, THESE ONE NOT VERY VALID, BUT THIS IS SUGGESTION BOX SO I READ SUGGESTION! THESE PERSON WANT TO HAVE ACCESS TO PSYCHOLOGIST BECAUSE OF STRESS RELATED TO JOB! IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE STRESS PERHAPS YOU SHOULD BECOME LIKE PERSON THAT DELIVERS THE NEWSPAPER OR SOMETING...I MAKE JOKE! Everyone laughed nervously.
At last it was time for the final suggestion. Dear leader, it said. Your mercy and compassion knows no limits. How do you tolerate those who go against you, and are disloyal to our great company. He smiled, and spoke in softer tones. "Vell, dear workers, because I see myself as your father, and you as my dear cheeldren. Sometime you go against me, and you must be punished, BUT ALVAYS REMEMBER I CARE FOR YOU. If you show loyalty to me and this company you vill be revarded. HOWEVER, he yelled wagging his finger, IF YOU BETRAY ME AND THIS COMPANY...YOU VILL PAY DEARLY!"
Having clearly made his point, he told everyone to go back to their cubicles. Mission accomplished, he thought to himself.
outsourcing 101 - a beginners guide
good morning my name is all too human. i work in outsourcing.
*cue most people thinking: what the hell is outsourcing? sounds boring. just smile and nod. smile and nod. please don't let him talk more about is job*
and well... normally they are lucky, because i change the subject. but well... today dear unknown reader [the voyeur to my exhibitionist], today you are not so lucky. today i need not actually see the grimaces on your faces as you read. but then again perhaps you will smile [and nod], after all you chose to read a blog title the daily outsource.
alas, if you wish to know no more of the harsh realities of outsourcing i cannot force you to read on. but you will miss much, your understanding of the world will be severly maimed. it would be like eve refusing the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
famous all too human words of wisdom #32 - "Too understand the concept, one must first understand the word". The American Heritage Dictionary defines outsourcing as, "To send out (work, for example) to an outside provider or manufacturer in order to cut costs. "
which is why you often get a foreign sounding human when you call a company's helpline.
and it breaks my heart when companies advertize their service line saying, "you will be helped by native people working in the country." it doesn't matter, its not as if they will pop by to help in that case.
So why do companies outsource? according to the above mentioned dictionary they do it to cut costs. and they are right. a company decides that their employees are too expensive. an outsourcing company then offers to do the same job more efficiently and for less money, while making a profit themselves. So its cheaper and with the added perk that they can always blame [founded or unfounded its just nice to have a scapegoat] the outsourcing company for any mistakes. Plus the outsourcing company will work harder to keep the client happy and therefore probably improve whatever process they take over.
So there you have it. you now know what outsourcing is. so the next time you meet someone that says they work in outsourcing. smile and nod and do not insist they tell you more. and if they keep their mouth shut about their job, then you've met a friend for life.
*cue most people thinking: what the hell is outsourcing? sounds boring. just smile and nod. smile and nod. please don't let him talk more about is job*
and well... normally they are lucky, because i change the subject. but well... today dear unknown reader [the voyeur to my exhibitionist], today you are not so lucky. today i need not actually see the grimaces on your faces as you read. but then again perhaps you will smile [and nod], after all you chose to read a blog title the daily outsource.
alas, if you wish to know no more of the harsh realities of outsourcing i cannot force you to read on. but you will miss much, your understanding of the world will be severly maimed. it would be like eve refusing the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
famous all too human words of wisdom #32 - "Too understand the concept, one must first understand the word". The American Heritage Dictionary defines outsourcing as, "To send out (work, for example) to an outside provider or manufacturer in order to cut costs. "
which is why you often get a foreign sounding human when you call a company's helpline.
and it breaks my heart when companies advertize their service line saying, "you will be helped by native people working in the country." it doesn't matter, its not as if they will pop by to help in that case.
So why do companies outsource? according to the above mentioned dictionary they do it to cut costs. and they are right. a company decides that their employees are too expensive. an outsourcing company then offers to do the same job more efficiently and for less money, while making a profit themselves. So its cheaper and with the added perk that they can always blame [founded or unfounded its just nice to have a scapegoat] the outsourcing company for any mistakes. Plus the outsourcing company will work harder to keep the client happy and therefore probably improve whatever process they take over.
So there you have it. you now know what outsourcing is. so the next time you meet someone that says they work in outsourcing. smile and nod and do not insist they tell you more. and if they keep their mouth shut about their job, then you've met a friend for life.
Monday, August 4, 2008
love letter
most affairs happen at work. it seems the office is the ideal setting for romance. and our office is no different.
after a meeting i returned to my desk and grabbed my notebook from my drawer. i noticed a letter in my drawer. it had my name written on it with a drawing of a heart. i picked it up thinking it was probably a letter from my colleague Lina. and she's a woman and women always draw hearts and flowers everywhere. so i open it- casually albeit a little curiously - and find that the note is signed by sandra and a lipstick kiss.
wow. this is not from my colleague Lina (not her real name, she's not swedish either). to be honest i'm a little shocked. guiltily i throw the letter back into my drawer and shut it in there. just to be sure i lock it in. you never know.
once my blood slows down to a steady supersonic level. and the blindfold of panic falls to the floor. a smile settles on my face. this is a practical joke. it must be. unlocking my drawer i pull out the letter again, this time to actually read it.
bladibladibla... like you...you're so great... the usual love letter stuff... signed, sandra. p.s. who is that buff guy who always walks with you to get a coke from the machine (its a ritual ok).
aha!
that bastard.
after a meeting i returned to my desk and grabbed my notebook from my drawer. i noticed a letter in my drawer. it had my name written on it with a drawing of a heart. i picked it up thinking it was probably a letter from my colleague Lina. and she's a woman and women always draw hearts and flowers everywhere. so i open it- casually albeit a little curiously - and find that the note is signed by sandra and a lipstick kiss.
wow. this is not from my colleague Lina (not her real name, she's not swedish either). to be honest i'm a little shocked. guiltily i throw the letter back into my drawer and shut it in there. just to be sure i lock it in. you never know.
once my blood slows down to a steady supersonic level. and the blindfold of panic falls to the floor. a smile settles on my face. this is a practical joke. it must be. unlocking my drawer i pull out the letter again, this time to actually read it.
bladibladibla... like you...you're so great... the usual love letter stuff... signed, sandra. p.s. who is that buff guy who always walks with you to get a coke from the machine (its a ritual ok).
aha!
that bastard.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
tick-tock goes the vampire clock
the clock ticks. and every day it can't go fast enough for me. everyday in my cubicle i long for home like i haven't been there for years. but now time is catching up with me. and i'm nowhere near where i want to be. nowhere.
an office job. a cubile. and not even a lot of money.
i blame the teachers.
i blame the parents.
i blame Joseph Campbell.
and Bon Jovi for reminding me that it is my life.
i blame everybody that ever gave young people hope; anyone that said everything will be fine if you just "follow your bliss". i wonder how many of us said, "well golly, i'd love to have a cubicle and work 40 hours a week in the operations of an outsourcing company!"? even "my dream is to be an accountant!" sounds exciting compared to that. perhaps i'm in this very place because i never believed them. or maybe because they were wrong. liars.
the job is not entirely without redemption, however. the experience is essential and the opportunities are numerous. it is a sort of limbo where people are suspended in a sort of half-life while they wait for something better. it isn't quite hell and it isn't quite heaven, but both could still be reached from this place. unfortunately while living half a life you lose a whole one, as the full seconds tick by. Murdering you slowly, but always faster than you want.
an office job. a cubile. and not even a lot of money.
i blame the teachers.
i blame the parents.
i blame Joseph Campbell.
and Bon Jovi for reminding me that it is my life.
i blame everybody that ever gave young people hope; anyone that said everything will be fine if you just "follow your bliss". i wonder how many of us said, "well golly, i'd love to have a cubicle and work 40 hours a week in the operations of an outsourcing company!"? even "my dream is to be an accountant!" sounds exciting compared to that. perhaps i'm in this very place because i never believed them. or maybe because they were wrong. liars.
the job is not entirely without redemption, however. the experience is essential and the opportunities are numerous. it is a sort of limbo where people are suspended in a sort of half-life while they wait for something better. it isn't quite hell and it isn't quite heaven, but both could still be reached from this place. unfortunately while living half a life you lose a whole one, as the full seconds tick by. Murdering you slowly, but always faster than you want.
Hi Chucky...Bye Chucky
In old sitcoms, often there'd be a memorable character that would only show up on a couple of episodes and then they'd be written out of the script. That's kind of what our experience with Chucky was like. He was quite memorable, but for all the wrong reasons.
Like Clouseau, Chucky is a Belgian, so I was hoping the 2 of them would hit it off quickly. It started out promising enough, Clouseau was excited, so was I, he could talk about all that Belgian stuff he loves so much with our new co-worker. They seemed to be kidding around with each other, going to lunch, and everything. When I was training him, I was happy that he seemed to be eager to learn our procedures, he was making flowcharts and making printscreens. The future of Benelux team seemed bright, indeed. However, I should've seen some of the warning signs for what was about to come, it was obvious he was obsessed with money and kept bragging about his hot Tunisian girlfriend with blue eyes, and his skills and possessions.
Then as Chucky seemed to be getting more comfortable with his new work-environment, his true nature came out. His language became more vulgar, as did his humor, which only he found amusing. He began to openly insult anything and anyone, even criticizing the superiors for being stupid for having some of the procedures in place. He could do everything better he said, he probably could, to tell you the truth. There were some moments when I cringed at the things he said to the other people, mostly it were the comments he made to the women. Just the overall atmosphere in our corner of the office became very awkward, very quickly. He also dumped his hot Tunisian girlfriend some days before...so, it was playtime for Chucky. None of the women were safe from his charms; marital status, age, appearance, personality, none of this seemed an obstacle for him. And it was getting worse each successive day. At this point, Clouseau had already started to despise him...you'd have to be really obnoxious to get him riled up.
It also became apparent that in the meantime he made a commitment with another company (that would pay him more, but in the field that he had experience,) in the city. I learned about this from another co-worker within the team on Wednesday, and I knew that in the weekend he'd return to Belgium. Initially, he'd be trained by us for 2 weeks, go back to Belgium for a month and then get to work. But this new agreement would mean that when he'd return to Prague he'd start working with this new company, meaning that his fling with our company was over. The conclusion worked out the best for everyone involved.
Goodbye Chucky, best of luck.
Like Clouseau, Chucky is a Belgian, so I was hoping the 2 of them would hit it off quickly. It started out promising enough, Clouseau was excited, so was I, he could talk about all that Belgian stuff he loves so much with our new co-worker. They seemed to be kidding around with each other, going to lunch, and everything. When I was training him, I was happy that he seemed to be eager to learn our procedures, he was making flowcharts and making printscreens. The future of Benelux team seemed bright, indeed. However, I should've seen some of the warning signs for what was about to come, it was obvious he was obsessed with money and kept bragging about his hot Tunisian girlfriend with blue eyes, and his skills and possessions.
Then as Chucky seemed to be getting more comfortable with his new work-environment, his true nature came out. His language became more vulgar, as did his humor, which only he found amusing. He began to openly insult anything and anyone, even criticizing the superiors for being stupid for having some of the procedures in place. He could do everything better he said, he probably could, to tell you the truth. There were some moments when I cringed at the things he said to the other people, mostly it were the comments he made to the women. Just the overall atmosphere in our corner of the office became very awkward, very quickly. He also dumped his hot Tunisian girlfriend some days before...so, it was playtime for Chucky. None of the women were safe from his charms; marital status, age, appearance, personality, none of this seemed an obstacle for him. And it was getting worse each successive day. At this point, Clouseau had already started to despise him...you'd have to be really obnoxious to get him riled up.
It also became apparent that in the meantime he made a commitment with another company (that would pay him more, but in the field that he had experience,) in the city. I learned about this from another co-worker within the team on Wednesday, and I knew that in the weekend he'd return to Belgium. Initially, he'd be trained by us for 2 weeks, go back to Belgium for a month and then get to work. But this new agreement would mean that when he'd return to Prague he'd start working with this new company, meaning that his fling with our company was over. The conclusion worked out the best for everyone involved.
Goodbye Chucky, best of luck.
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