Death: Outsourced I

i’ve seen the light

i’ve built an altar of candles in my bathroom. in times of darkness, it is when we most need those rare candles to guide us. guide us to the toilet bowl.

a bulb in my apartment pathetically fizzled out and blew a fuse. as a result there is no light in the kitchen, or the toilet. we’ve remedied this with candles and don’t dare call the landlords, because our house is inescapably messy. and we have a deep rooted fear of landlords here in the czech republic after we were illegally evicted from our first apartment. the scars of this trauma still make us shit with candles and not only to disperse the smell.

perhaps we should call the landlords.

Divoká Šárka - Communist Pleasure Paradise

it was a sunny late summer day when i went to divoka sarka. which apparently means wild sarka, a mythic female warrior, who threw herself off the cliffs.

i felt like val kilmer on the set of top secret.

what made this impression on me was primarily the reservoir named dzban. it is a concrete pleasure peark. it has a man-made lake with a concrete beach (concrete blocks made into smaller pieces). metal bars along the concrete bridges and concrete boardwalks are rusting away. on the side of the conrete lake are concrete diving platforms which are protected by fences and rusting barbed wire and an array of prickly plants growing from the cracks in the concrete. all with the paint that had been bleached in the sun for 20 years.

we had a drink at a restaurant with a view on the abandoned lake accentuated through the brown barbed wire. nevertheless a festive mood hung in the atmosphere. i could easily imagine families staying around the lake. planning their entire summer when they would get to sit along the lake at divoka sarka and have their children play outdoors have their teenagers look for romance on the concrete shores...

the lake which attracted so much of my attention and imagination lay surrounded by hills and mountains. To add to the already pastoral landscape the goats and sheep roams the grassy hills, albeit surrounded by a portable electrical fence. which may dissapoint some who cannot get close to the sheep it proved a great source of entertainment to myself as i watched numerous dogs and people jump up as they got electrecuted. i would have warned them, but well... i don't speak czech so... i'm not so cruel to be entertained by others people's suffering.

the view from the top of the mountains is nice. its a romantic place for lovers who like rolling around the fields and picking flowers. and for those of you who like sheep... well watch out for the electric fence.

The Firing of Don Pepperoni

The firing of Don Pepperoni, like the autumn that arrived in Prague just a few weeks previous, came fast and cold. Don Pepperoni was for a short time the only non-Czech/Slovak team lead in our office. This made him unique amongst his peers. He was also hired externally meaning he had no background at all in his new occupation. Perhaps El Presidente had unrealistic expectations of him when he was hired, he was asked to take over a team that had just lost a large chunk of its people, while at the same time having to learn everything that he had to learn in a short period of time.

Most of the people that didn't work under him tended to have a good opinion of Don Pepperoni. He was easy to talk to, had a good sense of humor, he even spoke Dutch well enough that you could have a conversation with him.

In any case, last Friday, El Presidente asked him to come to the meeting room. From my cubicle I could see them get in together. There have been rumors about his future, or lack thereof, with our company, and it looked like his time with us would end right there.
The meeting didn't last long, just several minutes later they came out of the meeting room, and Don Pepperoni started cleaning out his desk. He was still in the probation period, so he had to leave immediately.

There's several theories floating around in the office about his dismissal. Some say it was because of the bad relationshps he had with the people in his team, they didn't like him, apparently, because he made them work harder. Others say it was because he and Mother Goose couldn't get along. Whatever the reason, Don Pepperoni has gone, and I wish him the best.

Haiku

I sit at my desk
I stare at the computer
How I love this job

google it

i'd like to give a shout out to all the outsourced employees. and i've dedicated this song to you and to all the people that ask me questions all the time. whether they think i'm a genius or just rely that my know-it-all attitude will eventually lead me to find them an answer is up for debate.

so here's a song i dedicate to all of you,

if you don't know the answer,
don't ask me
just f***ing google it,
i am busy.

if you need to know a word,
don't ask me,
just f***ing google it,
use a dictionary.

if you want to know something,
just look it up,
just f***ing google it,
and then shut up.

you know i'm not a genius,
you're not a drone,
just f***ing google it,
leave me alone.

if you've got a question,
shift your paradigm,
just f***ing google it,
don't waste my time.

addresses, numbers, procedures and names,
that's without mentioning the fun and the games,
all your silly questions that are making me sick,
you can get an answer with only one click.

this message has been editted to so that it can be read on airplanes.

My Blog

You guys aren't really productive, I might need to outsource to other writers.

I gave you guys the privilege and the opportunity to write on my blog, it could have been the short cut to fame you guys were looking for. The times you had the decency to write, you guys decided to complain about your jobs and outsourcing in general.

No positive messages at all, you guys will need to clean up your act and write something descent and be more productive, or I will cut your wages.

FTL (Faster than Light) Travel Possible

PRAGUE - 13 September 2008 - Physisists is Prague have finally discovered something that can travel faster than the speed of light. This scientific breakthrough was made at the offices of an outsourcing company.

Before today it was generally accepted that it was impossible for any information or matter to travel faster than the speed of light because it would travel backwards in time relative to some observers. Nevertheless there have always been theoretical possibilities, such as group velocity and phase velocity, quantum mechanics and tachyons, which were never explored successfully in practice. Physisists all over the world were astounded at the discover that gossip traveled faster than light.

Numerous trials in the office provide the researchers with the proof that gossip consistently travelled at a speed that was faster than light. Of course gossip is still bound by the rules of physics and in some cases actually travels backwards in time relative to some observers. In many case people new the gossip before it actually became gossip.

The most recent example of FTL travel of gossip pertained to an off-handed jocular comment between co-workers. Before long someone was changed into a lesbian and the news was all over the office. Despite studying the phenomenon for many years scientist were shocked by the FTL dispersal of information over an extremely large portion of the population. Unfortunately, the accuracy of the information transmitted is greatly corrupted. When asked about the nature of the corruption, the head-researcher explained, "Of course there are a few bumps in the road that need to be smoothed out, but the prospect of being able to transmit information faster than the speed of light is very exciting. Think of all the practical uses, long range space communications, satellites further from Earth to prevent debris accumulation. Really, the possibilities are endless."

Not every voice is equally as enthusiastic as the head-scientist. The Lesbian was more sceptical about gossip as the next step, "I'm not a lesbian! It is far too dangerous to harness gossip as a potential means for faster than light travel. Sure, it is fast, but unstable, people could get hurt by gossip."

Either way, the discovery has incited NASA and ESA to invest heavily in a research grant to further the study. So next time you tell someone the skinny on who is going out with who and they say, "I already knew that," you have been a witness to faster than light travel and the unbreakable laws of physics.

job hunting

hunting season has opened. in 1 week i've done my time and am free to roam the green pastures of other jobs. (i suppose i always was, but now i won't have to pay the company money back and can still get recommendations from my superiors).

so i've been out hunting. i updated my cv and am ready for a new challenge.

i found a couple of jobs that interested me.
1. writer for a tourist website here in prague.
2. writer/marketting person for a hotel in prague.
3. fraud administrator here in prague.

let me tell you a bit about my experiences with each.

1. i did my professional thing. scouted out the website, thought about what they wanted to hear. practised my lines in front of the mirror. went to the interview in pants that were too tight. way too tight. and way too woollen to wear on a hot summer day. and i wore broken shoes. it was either that or sneakers and sneakers don't fit well with dress pants. so i walked into that interview, shoes flapping, in pants that did not do much to disguise my anatomical features. the interviewer was a nice young lady who seemed very interested in me, but the salary was extremely low, so i declined after all.

2. i decided i no longer wanted floppy soles and tight pants so i bought new dress shoes and a new pair of dressy pants. came to the hotel, had a pretty standard interview got a small assignment and was invited for the second interview for which i was pretty unprepared. the owner grilled me with a complete lack of enthusiasm and frowned at my cv often. then i spent a few hours doing a test in which i had to place people in their correct rooms. gruelling.

3. walked in very relaxed. had a pleasant chat, understood the job and felt a good connection. at the end i also had to do a little test. i had to pick out the frauds in a bunch, which i thought was pretty fun. they said they'd let me know by a certain time (they did mention a specific time, i just don't feel like mentioning it).

meanwhile, i'm flirting with recruiters that offer me positions in london and belgium. so off to pastures green. or at least greener, as are all the pastures one is not currently on. but i've learned valuable lessons from my interviews, most importantly broken shoes and tight pants could be the key to making a good impression...

good for you

outsourcing. a great place to get hired and work your ass off, so you can get hired somewhere better.

The Saga of Erik the Viking Part 1 An Explorer is Born

Like any young man of the fiercesome Bøårsk tribe of northern Sweden, Erik always aspired to become a famous viking warrior. But as he grew from being an adolescent to a grown man, he grew tired of the same old raiding, looting and pillaging of neighboring tribes. Pretty soon, he didn't want to be involved in any more raiding parties, but he went anyway, because he didn't want to arouse suspicion among the other warriors.

During quiet days, Erik started to wander around the surrounding areas of his home village, each day venturing a little farther. He found he loved these little explorations. And then one day, when there wasn't much more exploring to be done around the village, he went to the coast and looked across the vast expanse of water. What lies beyond those waters? he thought. His curiosity grew stronger each day. Between raids, he started spending more time with the tribe's fishermen as well, and became fascinated with their boats. Even going on a few fishing trips with them. He asked them all sorts of questions on how to build boats, how to fish, how to navigate...he wanted to know everything!

He quickly became good friends with the fishermen. But then he said something that shocked them all. "I want to see what lies beyond these waters. Maybe there are faraway lands that no one has seen before." A stunned silence followed. One of the fishermen became upset, "YOU FOOL!" He pointed at the horizon, "CAN'T YOU SEE, THE WORLD ENDS THERE AT THE HORIZON. ONCE YOU GET TO THAT POINT YOU FALL OFF THE EDGE!! Also, before getting to that point SEAMONSTERS will eat you alive. We must never speak of such things again."

Having seen how he upset his friends, Erik decided to drop the subject. However, he wasn't convinced of seamonsters and of the horizon being the edge of the world. Besides, if they were right, he was one of the most fiercest warriors of the Bøårsk tribe, he didn't fear seamonsters. Also, he figured if the edge of the world was the horizon, he thought he could always turn around before he got there.

With each day this urge to explore the open seas became stronger, and he had his fishermen friends help him build a boat, he told them it was for short fishing trips. He started planning for his long trip. He estimated how much food he would need, the types of clothes he would wear on the voyage, the weapons he would take, he even planned to take a gift of a pig's head with him as a gift to present to the people he might meet in those faraway lands. He decided he would soon embark on his voyage of exploration. One night while the Bøårsk warriors were celebrating a succesful raid of a nearby rival tribe, Erik decided to share his decision with the tribe.

"Fellow tribesmen," he yelled, "I have made a big decision, I've decided to explore the wide open seas with my new boat." The crowd murmured, didn't he know of the dangers of seamonsters?! "I shall go next week. I know of the dangers, but I shall be well prepared. But, I realize that I may have a very small chance of survival. But do not be worried, Once I reach the faraway lands I believe may be across the horizon, I shall claim these lands in the name of the Bøårsk tribe, and we shall be the most powerful tribe in all of Sweden. Before I go, I shall make a sacrifice of a 1,000 cows to ødin. Do not try to change my mind, I've made my decision and it's final." The tribe knew that once Erik made a decision, it was fruitless to try and argue with him. His father thought he was foolish, but he was proud of his son's bravery. The next day, Erik started making preparations...to be c0ntinued.

Outsourcing ain't so bad.

Complains on this blog are lamer then 10 lama's.

There is more to the picture then meets the eye.

Karluv Most - Charles Bridge -

i was asked to write this. i might as well post it here since i don't think it will be used anywhere else.

Karluv Most - Charles Bridge - Karlbrucke - Pont Charles - Ponte di Carlo - Puente de Carlos - Kaarlen Silta - Podul Carol

The Charles Bridge is not the bridge to cross in a hurry. Not only because of the crowds, but because the spectacular sights require time. The centuries of stone require time to tell their story.

The Birth

Constructed under the reign of Charles IV the birth of the Charles Bridge is shrouded in legends and mysteries. Construction was started at 5:31 am on the 9^th of June 1357. All the numbers are odd and, excluding the number 9, they are all prime numbers. Legend has is that the mortar used to bind the stone blocks was strengthened with egg yolks and science has shown that there are indeed inorganic and organic ingredients in the mortar.

The bridge was finished in the beginning of the 15^th century and whatever was used to bind the stones was a success, because despite countless floods across the centuries the bridge still stands today. Even the waters of the river Vltava (Moldau), whose banks gave birth to the powerful Golem, were not strong enough to break free of the bridge.

It stood solitary across the river, the only connection between the Old Town, Prague Castle and surroundings until 1841.

The Statues

The Charles Bridge has been decorated by different means over the centuries, ranging from the severed heads of anti-Habsburg revolutionaries to gothic and baroque style statues and statuaries.

Thirty time-blackened statues of forgotten saints now stand on the bridge, each with their own story to tell.

The statue of John of Nepomuk is the oldest statue on the bridge. The statue was built where Wenceslas IV threw John off the bridge for refusing to reveal Queen Johanna’s confession in 1393. The martyr’s secrets drowned with him in the river. Countless hopeful, greasy fingertips have polished the plaque on the statue, which is said to bring good luck and ensure your return to Prague when it is touched.

The statuary of the Holy Crucifix and Calvary was gradually modified over the centuries, having been mutilated by the Hussites and the Swedes. A Hebrew text was placed over the crucifix as a punishment for a Jewish man, Eliass Backoffen, who had debased the crucifix. An American rabbi cautioned the city of the offense this might cause and the city added a plaque explaining the historical significance of the text.

And many more stand mutely with their stories to tell.

The Modern Day

Centuries have passed and the bridge has lost little of its mystique. Walking over the bridge, which stands over the river like an imposing fortress, all the senses are brought to an alert. Vistas of red, green, white, and gold sparkle on both banks of the river. The coolness of its flowing waters can be tasted in the air.

The bridge bustles in the daytime. Music mingles with the sound of camera shutters as an old man gives Pinocchio a run for his money with a clown-faced, faded, red-nosed puppet with a guitar.

During the night and early morning the bridge is a silent romantic haven. Lit by gothic-style lanterns it stretches longingly over the Vltava. Standing close together to ward of the coolness of the night, you can watch the reflection of the city shimmering in the dark blue waters under the moonlight.

The Last Line of Defense

Clouseau has been on vacation for the last week, and Archie has been in meetings for most of that time. Clouseau is responsible for the smallest accounts, and he usually doesn't have to do a whole lot, but now that he's gone my workload is close to unbearable. I already had trouble keeping up with my work as it is, and now with the extra work I'm nearing a breaking point. We need reinforcements and we need them quickly.

They're on their way, there may be a new person on Monday, but once they're here they'll need to be trained. And given Clouseau's level of competence I'll be expected to shoulder that load as well. Making matters worse, Alice Cooper finally found another thing to complain about (never mind the fact that she messed up on a couple things herself this week, but she's kind of a big deal so it's okay,) I won't go into the details, it's not a big issue but most likely she's going to escalate it to one of the managers anyway. Regardless, just 3 more work days until another brief weekend respite.

City of a 1,000 Spires

I knew next to nothing about Prague and the Czech Republic before I moved here. All I knew is that the people spoke Czech, Prague was the capital city, and I knew about Martina Navratilova. It all happened so suddenly last year that I didn't have much time to study the country. With time, I've become a lot more knowledgeable about the city, but there's still a lot more to learn.

Sights

Prague is probably the most beautiful city I've ever had the privilege to visit/live in. Everytime I walk around the center, I feel like I'm on vacation, and looking at all the old churches, buildings and the amazing sense of history makes me feel lucky that I'm here. Some of the more famous sights in the city include, the Charles Bridge, Prague Castle and the Astronomical Clock (see picture.) Many people dislike tourists, but sometimes it's nice to hear different languages besides Czech, and when I hear Americans, it feels like home again.

Entertainment

The city has loads of pubs and clubs, and it's tons of fun going out here and the beer is cheap as well. There are also lots of concerts. When going to the cinema, the movies aren't dubbed, but are subtitled, a big advantage! Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of good restaurants and all in all, the food is mediocre at best. However, the beer is great and is served in pints.

Crime

For a city this size, Prague has a low crime rate, which is a good thing because the police is notorious for being incompetent. The only thing one really has to watch out for are the pickpockets that frequent the center, but by practicing common sense one can significantly reduce the chance of being pickpocketed.

People

Czech people, and people from Prague in particular have become infamous for their grouchy demeanor. There's no such thing as small talk with strangers (believe me I've tried.) When speaking another language on the subway, tram or bus, one is likely to be glared at. I don't believe the people have much of a sense of humor either. The women have a deserved reputation for being very lovely and fashionable, but are unapproachable. Men often wear camouflage clothes and have odd hairstyles.

Cost of Living

Before coming here, I was told that the cost of living was a lot lower than western Europe and the United States. It probably is a lot cheaper to live here than western Europe, but I think the US is cheaper. I paid a lot less rent for my apartment, which was also larger, gasoline was cheaper, electronics and clothes are a lot cheaper as well. The only thing that costs less here is food and beer. However, for a capital city, relatively speaking, it's quite economical to live here.

Conclusion

I love living here. At the same time, a part of me is itching to go westwards again. The longer I stay here, the more I'm looking forward to the next opportunity. The novelty of living here is slowly losing its charm, but I'm still enjoying myself while I can. The day of my departure is still unclear, but I know it's coming closer with each passing day, and I'm looking forward to that day. But when it comes, I know it will be bittersweet.

Dwight Schrute Salesman of the Year Speech

Eef no one volunteers...I VILL SHOOSE VOLUNTEERS!!

With a cold, steely gaze El Presidente looked around the meeting room, carefully obeserving his workers one by one. It was Wednesday morning and the weekly breakfast meeting had just commenced. Having just returned from vacation in Croatia (some say it was actually a management course in Pyongyang sponsored by the North Korean government,) he was eager to re-assert his control in the office. No doubt, he thought, things were in disarray while he was gone, and all his underlings were running amok, it was time to show them all who's boss.

There was a palbable fearful atmosphere in the room, pale faces were looking frightfully at El Presidente's hard glare. Their short lived freedom had ended, and things would soon go back to normal. They feared the things that he'd say, bad news was on the horizon.

At last, El Presidente began to bellow across the room. He knew that by speaking in a loud voice, he would make his workers respect him. DEAR EMPLOYEES (he began, in his trademark thick Czech accent.) VE HAVE MODIFIED COMPUTER SYSTEMS. VE MUST TEST THESE SYSTEMS, BUT ONLY TIME VILL BE WEEKEND. MEANINGK THAT VE MUST HAVE THE VOLUNTEERS FOR THESE TESTINGS. VE REQUIRE 5...HOWEVER, IF NO ONE VOLUNTEERS...I MUST CHOOSE VOLUNTEERS!!

Having finished his announcement, he flashed a self-satisfied grin and nodded his head contemplatively. There was a stunned silence. Surely, he can't force anyone to work over the weekend? But then again, this is El Presidente, who's mood can change from compassionate...to vengeful and cruel in a matter of seconds. No one would dare refuse dear leader.

Next, to show his insolent subjects that he's tough but fair, he opened the suggestion box. NOW I VILL READ SUGGESTION BOX! Beginning with the first suggestion, which requested that employees that don't take sick days should be given a bonus. LEESTEN DEAR WORKERS, he bellowed after reading the first suggestion, IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOUR PAY, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK ON OTHER JOB! He took out the second suggestion out of the box, he started to laugh and shake his head. ALLRIGHT, THESE ONE NOT VERY VALID, BUT THIS IS SUGGESTION BOX SO I READ SUGGESTION! THESE PERSON WANT TO HAVE ACCESS TO PSYCHOLOGIST BECAUSE OF STRESS RELATED TO JOB! IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE STRESS PERHAPS YOU SHOULD BECOME LIKE PERSON THAT DELIVERS THE NEWSPAPER OR SOMETING...I MAKE JOKE! Everyone laughed nervously.

At last it was time for the final suggestion. Dear leader, it said. Your mercy and compassion knows no limits. How do you tolerate those who go against you, and are disloyal to our great company. He smiled, and spoke in softer tones. "Vell, dear workers, because I see myself as your father, and you as my dear cheeldren. Sometime you go against me, and you must be punished, BUT ALVAYS REMEMBER I CARE FOR YOU. If you show loyalty to me and this company you vill be revarded. HOWEVER, he yelled wagging his finger, IF YOU BETRAY ME AND THIS COMPANY...YOU VILL PAY DEARLY!"

Having clearly made his point, he told everyone to go back to their cubicles. Mission accomplished, he thought to himself.

outsourcing 101 - a beginners guide

good morning my name is all too human. i work in outsourcing.

*cue most people thinking: what the hell is outsourcing? sounds boring. just smile and nod. smile and nod. please don't let him talk more about is job*

and well... normally they are lucky, because i change the subject. but well... today dear unknown reader [the voyeur to my exhibitionist], today you are not so lucky. today i need not actually see the grimaces on your faces as you read. but then again perhaps you will smile [and nod], after all you chose to read a blog title the daily outsource.

alas, if you wish to know no more of the harsh realities of outsourcing i cannot force you to read on. but you will miss much, your understanding of the world will be severly maimed. it would be like eve refusing the fruit from the tree of knowledge.

famous all too human words of wisdom #32 - "Too understand the concept, one must first understand the word". The American Heritage Dictionary defines outsourcing as, "To send out (work, for example) to an outside provider or manufacturer in order to cut costs. "

which is why you often get a foreign sounding human when you call a company's helpline.

and it breaks my heart when companies advertize their service line saying, "you will be helped by native people working in the country." it doesn't matter, its not as if they will pop by to help in that case.

So why do companies outsource? according to the above mentioned dictionary they do it to cut costs. and they are right. a company decides that their employees are too expensive. an outsourcing company then offers to do the same job more efficiently and for less money, while making a profit themselves. So its cheaper and with the added perk that they can always blame [founded or unfounded its just nice to have a scapegoat] the outsourcing company for any mistakes. Plus the outsourcing company will work harder to keep the client happy and therefore probably improve whatever process they take over.

So there you have it. you now know what outsourcing is. so the next time you meet someone that says they work in outsourcing. smile and nod and do not insist they tell you more. and if they keep their mouth shut about their job, then you've met a friend for life.

love letter

most affairs happen at work. it seems the office is the ideal setting for romance. and our office is no different.

after a meeting i returned to my desk and grabbed my notebook from my drawer. i noticed a letter in my drawer. it had my name written on it with a drawing of a heart. i picked it up thinking it was probably a letter from my colleague Lina. and she's a woman and women always draw hearts and flowers everywhere. so i open it- casually albeit a little curiously - and find that the note is signed by sandra and a lipstick kiss.

wow. this is not from my colleague Lina (not her real name, she's not swedish either). to be honest i'm a little shocked. guiltily i throw the letter back into my drawer and shut it in there. just to be sure i lock it in. you never know.

once my blood slows down to a steady supersonic level. and the blindfold of panic falls to the floor. a smile settles on my face. this is a practical joke. it must be. unlocking my drawer i pull out the letter again, this time to actually read it.

bladibladibla... like you...you're so great... the usual love letter stuff... signed, sandra. p.s. who is that buff guy who always walks with you to get a coke from the machine (its a ritual ok).

aha!

that bastard.

tick-tock goes the vampire clock

the clock ticks. and every day it can't go fast enough for me. everyday in my cubicle i long for home like i haven't been there for years. but now time is catching up with me. and i'm nowhere near where i want to be. nowhere.



an office job. a cubile. and not even a lot of money.



i blame the teachers.



i blame the parents.



i blame Joseph Campbell.



and Bon Jovi for reminding me that it is my life.



i blame everybody that ever gave young people hope; anyone that said everything will be fine if you just "follow your bliss". i wonder how many of us said, "well golly, i'd love to have a cubicle and work 40 hours a week in the operations of an outsourcing company!"? even "my dream is to be an accountant!" sounds exciting compared to that. perhaps i'm in this very place because i never believed them. or maybe because they were wrong. liars.



the job is not entirely without redemption, however. the experience is essential and the opportunities are numerous. it is a sort of limbo where people are suspended in a sort of half-life while they wait for something better. it isn't quite hell and it isn't quite heaven, but both could still be reached from this place. unfortunately while living half a life you lose a whole one, as the full seconds tick by. Murdering you slowly, but always faster than you want.

Some more Office Space clips

Hi Chucky...Bye Chucky

In old sitcoms, often there'd be a memorable character that would only show up on a couple of episodes and then they'd be written out of the script. That's kind of what our experience with Chucky was like. He was quite memorable, but for all the wrong reasons.

Like Clouseau, Chucky is a Belgian, so I was hoping the 2 of them would hit it off quickly. It started out promising enough, Clouseau was excited, so was I, he could talk about all that Belgian stuff he loves so much with our new co-worker. They seemed to be kidding around with each other, going to lunch, and everything. When I was training him, I was happy that he seemed to be eager to learn our procedures, he was making flowcharts and making printscreens. The future of Benelux team seemed bright, indeed. However, I should've seen some of the warning signs for what was about to come, it was obvious he was obsessed with money and kept bragging about his hot Tunisian girlfriend with blue eyes, and his skills and possessions.

Then as Chucky seemed to be getting more comfortable with his new work-environment, his true nature came out. His language became more vulgar, as did his humor, which only he found amusing. He began to openly insult anything and anyone, even criticizing the superiors for being stupid for having some of the procedures in place. He could do everything better he said, he probably could, to tell you the truth. There were some moments when I cringed at the things he said to the other people, mostly it were the comments he made to the women. Just the overall atmosphere in our corner of the office became very awkward, very quickly. He also dumped his hot Tunisian girlfriend some days before...so, it was playtime for Chucky. None of the women were safe from his charms; marital status, age, appearance, personality, none of this seemed an obstacle for him. And it was getting worse each successive day. At this point, Clouseau had already started to despise him...you'd have to be really obnoxious to get him riled up.

It also became apparent that in the meantime he made a commitment with another company (that would pay him more, but in the field that he had experience,) in the city. I learned about this from another co-worker within the team on Wednesday, and I knew that in the weekend he'd return to Belgium. Initially, he'd be trained by us for 2 weeks, go back to Belgium for a month and then get to work. But this new agreement would mean that when he'd return to Prague he'd start working with this new company, meaning that his fling with our company was over. The conclusion worked out the best for everyone involved.

Goodbye Chucky, best of luck.

The 3 Headed Monster

Our project is headed by a small oligarchy known as the 3-headed monster. It's composed of; The Beaver, Evel Knievel and El Presidente.

The Beaver-is the top man, he works behind the scenes, we don't see him much, but we know he's the person manning the controls. I don't have much information about him, except that I know that he's from Belgium and he's in charge. I've seen him a couple times, he always wears a black sweater and black pants. He has a big gut, wears glasses and has gray hair. usually he's in one of the meeting rooms having a conference call of some kind. Although, when Evel Knievel was celebrating his birthday some months ago, he was kind enough to invite us all to wish him a happy birthday.

Evel Knievel-is the 2nd most powerful person we deal with, we see more of him than we do of The Beaver. He's usually in Prague once, or, twice every month. Once he's in the office, he retreats to one of the meeting rooms and works on his laptop, stopping only for lunch and to have meetings with the supervisors. Evel's from Ireland, and seems like a friendly guy. I talked to him a couple times on the telephone, and once in Dublin. He oversees the project, makes sure everything is running smoothly, and if it isn't he instructs El Presidente to fix it...in fact, he makes El Presidente do all the dirty work, so that he seems like the nice guy.

El Presidente-Our fearless and strong leader. A graduate of the Josef Stalin School of Business Management. Merciful to those who respect his authority, vengeful towards those who question it. The only input he accepts is his own, and that of others that agree with this input. What he says is right, if you disagree you're wrong. It's that simple. Dissent is not tolerated, all opposition must be CRUSHED.

Office Space clips

The Red Headed Stepchild

It's not the first time that my Saturday morning has started like this. After straggling back home on the border between late night and early morning, I slept for several hours and woke up with a headache and a strong desire to stay in bed the whole day. Thankfully, I did finally gather the strength to get my ass up, take a shower and make a strong pot of coffee. The desired effects of caffeine have finally kicked in now and I'm ready to do some ranting and raving.

Most health and psychological professionals wouldn't recommend a person to deal with their professional problems by going to a bar with co-workers, vent their frustrations about their other co-workers and the job in general and get shitfaced. But after a frustrating day at work, I really needed to let off some steam and get a bit wankered...and now for some background before getting to the meat and potatoes of the matter:

Outsourcing companies really are white-collar sweatshops. Multi-nationals use outsourcing companies to keep costs low, and profits high. This is a major reason why they're hosted by developing countries with a high number of educated people, where salaries are lower than developed countries. Client companies aren't proud of using outsourcing companies, but they view them as a necessary evil. The result being that employees from the client company view us outsourced workers with a measure of disdain. One mistake will drown out many 100's of positive things that we do from a day to day basis, bringing us to the main point of my post today.

Yesterday started out well enough, I arrived at the office at around the usual time of 8:50. The necessary early morning checks and reports running smoothly, and the weekend around the corner. I opened my e-mail program and a message came into my inbox, the subject was :(. I felt a sick feeling developing in my stomach, My supervisor, Archie, went to company HQ and had a short meeting with some managers. Apparently they complained about me about 2 things that happened nearly 2 months ago, and another incident which was actually partly one of the manager's fault, but I'll come back to that later. I remember it well, it was just some procedural things that I had never really had to work with. Anyway, Archie and I thought we dealt with it effectively and...well, you live and learn, I suppose.

But no, she (we'll call her Alice Cooper) decided to bring these issues back up at the meeting with Archie. Apparently it was serious enough to where Archie asked me if I could get some positive client feedback that he could show the 2 managers...it was at this point that I felt my job security slip a bit. I don't understand why had to wait 2 months to bring this up? This could've been worked out at the time of the incident.

The 3rd incident, the one that REALLY galls me, had more to do with an inventory setup in the computer system, which I have no control over, but Alice does. One of the salesmen raised this issue, and wasn't sure why his customer wasn't receiving the products on time, he was pissed off. I then commenced on the first steps to have the products delivered ASAP to the customer. But credit to Alice, she at this point took control of the situation and arranged for the products to get delivered early next morning. This was the point where the salesman blamed Alice for the hold-up, I was in the copy of the e-mail he sent her, so I replied to him and decided to take responsibility for what went wrong. This really was the biggest error on my part. Alice seized on the opportunity and it was there in print that I took the blame for what happened and showed Archie.

You think you try to help out your colleague, only to have yourself get bitten in the ass by it. I'm still naive when it comes to office politics. Most people are just out there protecting their own backside, who cares if some low level outsourced worker is at risk of losing their job over it. I feel like I have to do the work of 2 people, and I have absolutely no margin for error. I came here to prove myself, to work my ass off, and to show that I'm dependable. Instead it seems I could've just slacked off, not given a fuck about anything and be just as far along in my career development. I feel absolutely betrayed, and nothing pisses me off more than 2 faced people. They meet you, they smile, they shake your hand and you have a conversation. But their cowardice shows on days like Fridays, when they are far away, they can fuck you over. When it comes to negative things, these types of companies have long memories and I most likely don't have any shot at any promotion any time soon because of this.

I realize I have to develop thick skin, because this won't be the only time. But I never EVER want to be like them I don't want to compromise my morals, just so I can lay the blame on my colleagues, I don't understand how they can do this?

bloggers are better than writers

cause we don't waste paper.

so many writers aren't worth the paper they write on. bloggers are always worth the paper they write on.

Co-worker profiles

Our office is like a revolving door. It's rare for most people to work for longer than 2 years. The same is true for most of the workers in my team. Out of the 10 people in the group, only 2 of them have stayed longer than 2 years. Anyway, here's a list of the people that I work with the most, so not the whole team. These are just (very) short profiles, as you will notice I gave them all nicknames:



Archie: Archie's my boss. I get along quite well with him, although we never hang out or anything. He's worked there for about a year and a half now. I get around 20+ e-mails a day from him, and the question he most often asks me is, "didn't you read my e-mail about this??!!"



Clouseau: A Walloon from Brussels. He loves to talk and can't say anything without having a complete conversation about it. He's worked for our team for 3 months, and he really ought to know most of the stuff already, but sometimes it's like his first week. He's an intelligent guy, but his mental compas is all over the place and he can't really concentrate for very long. He gets on my nerves most of the time, but I realize he's a decent enough guy and he tries his best.



Mrs. Dracula: I give her this name because she's from Transylvania and she loves horror movies. She's nice enough, but is very cynical and sarcastic. She complains a lot about Clouseau and Snowball, they sit in the cubicles on the right and left of her, respectively. She's competent and knows what she does at work. She joined a month before I was hired.

Snowball: He's from Poland. He has a small family, is studying for his masters degree and works full-time. He's often quickly stressed at work, and I get the impression he's not a big fan of work in general and gets in trouble a lot with Archie. He loves anything chocolate. He's an alright guy but he's very insecure and gets confused often.

There are also other people in my team, but I don't really work with them much. However, these are the people that I rely on, and that I interact with the most in regards to the work I do. I'll write another post about some of the other people in my office in a while.

cubicles are all the rage these days

office: (n.) pronunciation: \ˈä-fəs, ˈȯ-\ : definition: a place where they keep the living dead.

like my kindly co-bloggers, i shall give a brief introduction for those few who care. i never expected to be working in an office doing near robotic work. but after studying for many years time came to get a job and experience remains experience and i was drawn by the mysteries of central europe. which i may add are not entirely without grounds.

despite the overall cynisism with which i approach working in an office, it is not that bad. the thing is that large outsourcing companies are full of potential if you're willing to work hard and get noticed. and since i work directly with a small team of foreigners, i'd say we're pretty close knit. in a foreign environment its almost like you form little families and tribes. perhaps that sounds quite primitive and anarchistic, but in fact considering the situation we find ourselves in it's hardly surprising.

now that i've lost my blogging virginity, i'm curious as to how the style of the blog will develop. so dobry noc and naschledanou (please excuse any spelling errors, these are completely unintentional and any resemblance to words other than goodnight and goodbye are completely coincidential (assuming of course that you believe in coincidences)).

Even a monkey can do this job!

With this post, I'm continuing a little more with the background theme. I won't go much into the details of how our office looks, it's a pretty standard looking office, identical to any you'll find in western Europe or the USA. Just imagine a large square shaped area with rows of cubicles, several meeting rooms and a small kitchen. I'm not sure of the number of people that work there, but I heard it's around 70 people or so. The majority of the people who work there are either Czech or Slovak. Although the demographics have changed a bit since I started work here 10 months ago.

Most of us are divided into teams. There are 10 different teams, 8 of which are divided into geographical regions and 2 data entry support teams. Within these teams are supervisors and team leads, who make sure we do our work like we're supposed to, and seem to spend half their working days in meetings. Additionally we have 2 IT guys, 2 people (TF included) with an operations position that will soon be transferred to company HQ, 2 people in charge of "continuous improvement," someone that makes our Excel macros, an office administrator and a cranky looking middle-aged woman whose job is a mystery to me. Although I believe she also helps with the continuous improvement.

We have 3 bosses. 2 Czech bosses, a man and a woman, and a man in Ireland who comes over every couple of weeks. The Czech man is our unquestioned leader in Prague, and we call him El Presidente. He was hired recently, and in a short period of time has established his unquestioned authority. The woman, even though she has spent longer in this company, reports to him. She's #2.

I work with Dutch clients, and I'm a member of the second smallest team. I don't deal much with the other teams, except for the 2 data entry support teams. I work with 2 other people within my team, a Belgian and a Dutch speaking Czech who is my team lead. I don't have a very difficult job but it definitely requires organization, stress management and an ability to work with several software systems at once. Basically what my job entails, is that I am a point of contact in the supply chain between the multi-national corporation and it's clients in northwestern Europe.

I tolerate my job, I don't like it much, but I don't mind going to work. What helps is that I know I won't spend the rest of my professional life in this position. But like any other job, it does become frustrating at times. There are people at work that are friends, others that I get along with, just a couple I don't like, and several I don't even know. Even though our office is located in Prague, many of the same typical western office dynamics are in play here. People complain about salary, holidays, promotions, etc. There are office romances, affairs, fights and rivals. But, more or less, one day is the same as the next...

Just a short intro

I was at a crossroads in the summer of 2007. I had just been getting some of the pre-requisites out of the way at a local college before embarking on my MBA studies. But at the time I wasn't sure whether I really wanted to go back to school. I was still in debt from my undergraduate studies, and I wasn't looking forward to going deeper in debt while going to graduate school.

It had been 4 years since conferring my bachelors degree, I had a job, but nothing that offered a real future for myself. I had decided in 2007, that if I didn't find another job before the autumn, I would concentrate 100% on studying for an MBA. Until that time, I would enroll in some business, and accounting courses so that I would be ready. So, during the summer, time was running short. One night in August I was looking for local jobs on Monster.com, I applied for some, and after I had applied for the positions, I searched for jobs in Europe. There I found a corporate job with a major outsourcing company in Prague for which I had all the right qualifications. The prospect of living in a city that I've never been to, but heard so much about intrigued me. So, I sent my CV and the very next day I received an e-mail from the HR person. They were interested in having an interview with me!


After having been interviewed by HR and the team lead of the department that I wanted to work for, I felt very good about my chances. It turned out, I had good reason to be optimistic, I received an offer letter in my inbox the next day and I accepted. A couple weeks later, I was on my way to a new life in central Europe.

The preceding scenario is more common than many would think, and this blog is meant for those that have experienced similar things. The title of this blog is called The Daily Outsource, because TF and I work for an outsourcing company that's contracted by a major American multi-national to take care of their logistics and supply chain management. So our main demographic is for the expatriate white-collar workers with similar occupations. With this blog we intend to share our experiences living and working in a foreign environment, with the hope that our readers will be entertained and at the same time identify with us. We intend to write the truth as we see it, and that truth is positive, negative, and everything in between. Thank you for visiting our blog!